Saturday, January 6, 2018

Semester Break.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Today is my 6th day at home and of course i'm all day bored. I don't go hang out because it is hard for me to do so and i just went out of this house just because i need to pay bills, bring my grandma to bank,and bought some groceries for the house. The rest of the time ? Eating, and kurung diri sendiri dalam bilik sampai kena tegur sampai dah tak ter-tegur.

   As usual, every semester break i will have this anxiety, overthinking  and insecurities because i'm so far away from my boyfriend. I'm getting thoughts that he is bored with me because i know i'm such a boring person. This thing happened just because we rarely contact each other in a day. A day okay. You can see how clingy i am.

   I spent most of my time wondering did he miss me, did he wish that i was there with him or anything that related to that because i felt all that. I tried to control my clinginess but it seems like i'm still being clingy as usual. I only get my clingy boyfriend ikut musim je. Most of the time, i am the one who is very clingy, yang hari hari nak jumpa and kalau boleh nak duduk sebilik terus. Nasib baik tak boleh.

   And i realized that my insecurities is getting worse and so does my overthinking and anxiety too. I don't know why. Maybe because of the thoughts that i'm not good enough and i'm still lacking of so many things.

   Lately, i love it when he mentioned about children. But i hate myself when i take it as a big deal and seriously when he uses 'my children'. I like it better when he uses 'anak kita' because yknow, it feels better that way. Because in that way,  it feels more like its our child instead of his only child. Lol okay this thing should not be the one i concerned about because we are not getting married tomorrow.

   So, the thought that i'm improving from insecurities, overthinking and anxiety is all wrong. I'm still stuck with those issues and i am still trying to get over it. I know its not good for me but somehow i guess it occurs for a reason ? I need to improve myself.

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