Monday, July 31, 2017

Feeling Sad

Assalamualaikum and hi. So my diary is out of page and i need to write tonight then i guess i just write it here as i know that no one will read it.

   My semester break didn't go that well and i think during this holiday, i cried a lot. Especially when i have family problems and difficulties to meet my boyfriend. I'm at that point that i feel to just run away from everything and live alone. I feel that no one understands me well but at the same time i feel that i'm so selfish because expecting people to just understand me. I don't know if i'm depressed or not. But i keep so many things in my mind that no one knows i'm screaming inside.

   Since big argument happened twice this holiday, i'm just hoping to see my boyfriend just to run away from all this problems for a while. So we planned to meet up. But honestly, i didn't put any hope because i know its hard for us to meet and i feel that we will never meet each other this holiday. Turns out, its true. Padahal he said that he will be in Melaka this weekend and i'm home on Saturday morning after came back from Kota Kinabalu the night  before because my grandma wants to go home as soon as possible. But what can we do ? Takkan i go to his uncle's house and meet him. I don't think it will give a good impression on me. Its like i'm so shameless datang rumah his uncle just to meet my boyfriend. So when he told me  that we might not see each other, automatically i cried. Dah macam drama sampai mandi pun menangis. I just can't stop crying. I don't know why. Sometimes i feel that he just created an excuses for not to see me but i know he's not. Its just too hard for us to meet and i think i cried because of this difficulties to meet each other. We didn't on the phone that often, no skype and dalam satu hari pun tak contact that frequent. If i senyap then dia pun senyap. But sometimes i just keep it in a positive way thinking that he is so busy that he doesn't have the time to text me and that he has his responsibility as a son, just to make myself okay and make myself busy too so that i don't think much.

   I don't know how to say about exactly how i feel right now. Celaru. I'm emotionally totally not okay but i tried to be okay because that's the only option that i have. God give me the strength to face all this.

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