Thursday, June 15, 2017

Maybe I Deserve To Be Alone

Assalamualaikum and hi. So tonight, my grandma once again tegur about my attitude yang selalu stay in the room and spend my time alone. I don't blame her for sure. I know its my fault because i'm avoiding myself from socializing with people. But i don't know why. I feel that i have so many problems but i can't manage to handle it.

   First of all, since my parents separated, i jarang spend masa dengan diorang since i was 1 year old. I tinggal dengan my grandma since that. She took care of me and my sister until now. But, tak semuanya indah kan. Banyak benda yang jadi dulu yang aku sendiri tak mampu nak cerita dekat sini and i can only keep it to myself. Since i was a kid, so many things happened in front of my eyes that makes me realized that everyone make mistakes. Its just either you berubah to the better atau menyesal kejap je, then buat  balik. Kalau nak cerita benda satu satu apa yang jadi, i'm not able to do it because too  many things happened.

   So, tadi my grandma tegur why i like to spend my time alone in the room without socializing with the family. You know, i'm not actually 100% spending my time in the room. I always help her doing the house chores, kalau dia nak keluar i drive, kalau dia mintak tolong apa apa, i buat. Bila malam habis terawih pun, i spend my time with her and paklang watching drama. Then about 10.30 above, i will excuse myself nak naik bilik. I don't know where did i go wrong. I always dengar all her teguran, all her stories, everything without denying anything that she said. She said that i prioritize my friends and gadget than my own family. Man, i hang out with my friend baru sekali, teman kawan pergi deliver makanan, pun baru sekali, berbuka dengan kawan, pun baru sekali ni je. But the way she said macam i often did all those things. Rasa pressured gila. Dengan my mom nak i stay at her house this raya. All this things, i never felt like beban because its my responsibility as their daughter and cucu. But i tertekan sometimes.

   About staying at my mom's house, bukannya tak nak my grandma ikut, but i know her well. She doesn't like to stay at people's house even her own daughter and son's house. She likes to stay at her home and if she agreed to stay together at my mom's house for at least one night, i can't manage to manja manja with my mom because she will be jealous and will start to mengungkit when the time comes.

   Yes. Right now, i don't have anything like house, car and own money. I still depend on them. That's why i am not able to do anything because once i say what i wanted to say to my grandma, then she will said something like "sekarang dah tak ada apa apa dah cakap macam ni kalau dah ada harta sendiri nanti".

   I seriously don't like to share with anyone about this because its kinda private you know. But i can't stand it anymore. I need to write because i can't keep it to myself anymore. I cried in my bathroom really hard that i really cried out loud. I don't know where to go for me to release all these things that keep stuck in my mind. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone. I deserve to be alone. But thinking that, kita tak boleh lari dari masalah kan ? And if people read this, it seems like its not a big deal kan ? But to me, it is because there are so much thing that i still keep it inside that i can't manage to write it here. That's why i'm so blessed to have a boyfriend and friends because to me, when im with them, i can escape from all this for a while. I know it sounds not right but that's the only way i have for now to forget all those things for a while. And i always wanted to make people around me happy because i don't want them to feel or face the same thing that i'm facing.

    But at the same time, i'm blessed because God made me a person yang tak marah lama, tak sedih lama and know how to pujuk myself. I know i will be better tomorrow inshaaAllah. I know i can face all this. I know i can.

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