Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm Not Enjoying My Semester Break

Assalamualaikum and hi. There's so much thing that happened today and today is my emotional day and not a good day for me. I don't know why but everything seems not right today.

   First thing is, i woke up late today. Second, my grandma really not good in timing. Dia suka ajak keluar when its near to maghrib ke apa to buy things or anything lah yang need to leave the house. I'm not blaming her for this. I know she must've not realize it. Third, there's an open burning bila aku basuh baju. So my baju mostly bau asap and my room too. Then, when i'm taking my wudhu for my maghrib prayer, suddenly ada katak beside me and it came out from nowhere. Thennn, when i'm in the kitchen, suddenly ada cengkerik lompat dekat my hand. Lastly, someone that i quite don't like the person, came to the house at 10pm like seriously ? Its 10pm. And today, i didn't text with my boyfriend that much. But i don't blame him as i knew he is with his family, spending his time with them.

   Lately, i cried quite a lot. For no reason and if there's a reason, its because i'm sad that i can't enjoy my semester break. I feel more like staying in a prison. That's why i always lock up myself in the room. I don't want to show my bad side to my grandma. I don't like it because i really appreciate my grandma's effort for taking care of me since i was a kid. Its not that i'm being fake, its just that, i just want to give my best to her,

   I wanted to tell to my boyfriend how worst my day is today. But, i often tell him how depressed i am. It seems like i only wanted him to understand me and i'm not being understanding at all. Lagipun, he seems very tired today and enjoyed his day today. So i don't want to spoil the mood.

   I don't know until when i will be like this. Keeping up all inside and rarely let it out about how i feel. I'm afraid that one day everyone will leave me because they can't stand my attitude anymore. Especially my loved ones. Now, its like in the drama you know, typing while crying and listening to my playlist.

   Sometimes i just don't understand myself.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Its All About You

Assalamualaikum and hi. I just came back from KL this afternoon and now i'm chilling myself by watching kdrama. So i just finished 1 episode and i think that's enough for today. Because right now i'm feeling like to write something and it is about nae namja cinggu.

   What makes me want to write about him is that, i have this thoughts on how i bravely take the risk for giving him a second chance last year and alhamdulillah we are still together till now. So i wanted to write about that.

   This guy, i met him when we were in our foundation year. I was having my lunch with my bestfriend at that time and suddenly he came. We just knew each other just like that until this one time he suddenly approach me when i was alone at the cafe doing some lecture notes. To make it short, he ask permission to use my cellphone because he said that he was bored and his cellphone is out of battery. Since i didn't keep any secret in my phone and he is not a stranger to me at that time, so i gave him my phone. Suddenly he saved his contact number in my phone and asked me to call him so that he can get my number. But i ignored that request for weeks because i thought that he was joking. After weeks, he asked for my number through my roommate as he knew my roommate. My roommate asked for my permission of course but i just thought that maybe he just wanted to be friends so i said yes and my roommate gave my number to him. We texted each other and i did rejected him but well, i accepted him at last because finally i fall for him. Then months past, something happened between us (can be referred at my previous entry) so we ended up our relationship.

   After almost a year of moving on, he came back for a second chance. At that time, honestly i almost completely moving on. But since he came, we talked to each other as usual and i'm satisfied with our conversation because i managed to ask him what's on my mind and i got an explanation from him face to face. So what makes me give him a second chance ? The first thing is, because i still have feelings towards him and second, it is because i truly believe that he will change and he will become a better man. I know since we get back together, my level of insecurities becomes very high and i'm very very insecure because i'm afraid of the same thing might happened again. I'm being very paranoid. But he is still there, bearing with my insecurities and overthinking with his fullest patience and he never blame me for being insecure and overthinking. He admit his mistakes and always say sorry for his mistakes towards me. Sometimes i almost giving up on him because he ignored me quite often at first, but thinking that he is a very understanding man, knew so much about me and of course thinking that i can't live without him that makes me to stay. To be honest, i did pray if he is the one for me, then make it happened. I'm not saying right now that he is my jodoh because we don't know what might happened in the future. But i'm hoping and pray that he is the last one for me. I don't think i will love another guy the same after this like the way i love him. Thank you for staying dear boyfriend. <3

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

At The Urge of Giving Up

Assalamualaikum and hi. Now, i'm on my study week. Tomorrow, final exam starts. Then, 4 months of semester break. Just now, i got my coursework mark for Economics subject and i only manage to get 26/60. I know, its bad. Very bad.

   When i think about it back, its actually my fault. It's too late for now for me to realize and make it up again. I'm focusing too much on something that i shouldn't be worrying about and i'm easily give up on something. I never put effort in trying to make something happened. I wanted the best, but i didn't make an effort. I felt that i'm a burden to my family, but you know, i didn't do my best.

   I don't know what to do right now. Lately i'm always having a headache. Even sekarang pun pening lagi. I'm sad of myself because i have too much flaws that i cover it up before this just to not to burden people around me. But i guess i'm actually a burden to them even if i try not to be. Why i'm always like this. Blaming myself for many reasons and started to give up.

   But i know, i can't take this as an excuse for me to not to be a better person. I need to change myself. I can't always give up just like that. Things can be change. I  love my family, friends and boyfriend. I wanted to be the best for them. So i need to get up again and try to make everything better instead of complaining about myself but not making any effort.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

What is Love Anyway ?

Love or being loved by someone is always the best feeling in the world. Everyone needs a partner in their life. Someone that understands you, someone that completes you, someone that accepts all your flaws and someone who will never give up on you and get bored of you.

   Maybe there is a difference between liking someone and loving someone. I think that when you like someone, you just don't have that kind of affection to them. You just like them and comfortable being with them. But when you love someone, you will always feel like home when you are with them, wanted to share the rest of your life with them, and you just can't live without them. You will always wanted to be better for each other and be there for each other during ups and downs. And when you love someone, you will always feel excited to see them, to get a phone call from them, to get a text message from them and any updates from them excites you. That's why i really love the old couples that still love each other just like when they were young. They live together and love each other till the end. They don't love their partner or wanted to be with them because they feel lonely  or because of lust. 

   The problem now is that, many people confuse on loving someone, liking someone or just wanted the person because of lust. That's why there are some people that are broken because of a relationship and never wanted them again. They push people away. But some of them are lucky to have a second chance, to start all over again with their partner and make the relationship better. But i guess, no matter what it is, everyone have their worst days that makes them better and wanted to have a better relationship. Time heals. When the time comes, the right one will come. 

Rainy Day

Its raining right now and it has been raining for days every evening. I love this kind of weather, so much. It feel so peaceful and cold, and the best time to sleep.....or cuddle haha. But i can only get that when i'm married :p

   Nothing much to share about. I just feel like wanted to write something. All my friends are sleeping and some of them already went back home. Yeah home. I do miss home. But thinking that i'm not able to do anything that i wanted to do when i'm at home and thinking how bored i am when i'm at home doesn't excites me when it comes to holidays. Final exams is around the corner and so does 4 months semester break. I wonder what will happened during that semester break. Maybe i'm taking a part-time job ? Maybe i'm traveling somewhere ? Or maybe i'll just stay at home doing the house chores. Ramadhan is also around the corner. I'm excited to go for tarawih every night. I miss those fasting days. And i'm excited for raya too ! Haha. I wonder what will my boyfriend looks like wearing his baju melayu for the first day of raya. Its our first time being together for ramadhan and hari raya. I'm really looking forward for that day to come. Okay that's enough for that.

   I love when it rains. You know why ? Because i can hear the sound of the rain. Its so peaceful. When it rains, i always have that time alone for myself, thinking, and just enjoy the rain. I just can't explain how i love the weather. But of course i do feel scared when its stormy. I think that's all for this time. :)