Saturday, July 15, 2017

I'm Sorry

Assalamualaikum and hi (<-- benda wajib everytime nak update entry haha) so rasanya hari ni nak update bahasa rojak je kot and mostly bahasa Melayu sebab nanti banyak grammatical error :p

   So just nak share what's on my mind sebab malas nak tulis dekat diary hari ni. Typing is easier. Lets start.

   Hari tu, i'm asking such questions dekat boyfriend. I tanya did he still love me the same or stronger or fading. I tanya soalan macam tu because of lately tak communicate (at that time la. Sekarang i guess better ? At least whatsapp every night) So when i asked that kind of question, dia jawab "your choice". I never understand why is it my choice. I tanya dia why is it my choice but then dia jawab "your choice la". I guess kalau i don't have that kind of patience, dah gaduh kot masa tu ? So i answered that i hope his love for me is still the same or stronger, not fading and hoping that kitaorang less communicate sebab dia busy. Bukan sebab dia dah tak interested nak whatsapp. Guess what happened after that ? Dia tak balas T.T

   Seharian dia tak balas lansung and esoknya pun seharian dia tak ws. Aku pun diam je lah maybe he needs time. TAPI bila dia tak balas tu, dia buat aku terfikir apa yang aku cakap tu tak betul. So dia tak sampai hati nak deny, dia diam je tak balas apa. I'm overthink again isnt it ?

   So in the end, aku mengalah and whatsapp dia malam tu saying that i miss him and actually hoped that he whatsapp me and said that he missed me. No replies. Maybe dia dah tidur masa aku hantar ws. I cried a lot that night. Such a crybaby. Haih. Then i'm hoping yang esok dia ws cakap sorry or said something yang meyakinkan like "yes i still love you the same/stronger. Dont think too much. Saya busy these days and banyak masalah. Thats why tak balas ws awak". Tapi harapan tinggal harapan.

   But then, think dari positive side, at least dia ws the next day saying that he missed me more than i do. Tu pun i actually tweeted before that that i missed him. But i switched off my phone lepas tweet tu haha. Rupanya lepas tu dia tweet "whatsapp tak balas pulak" something like that. Yelaaa i off phone sebab tak nak tahu dia ws ke tak. Takut kecewa ha ha ha. Since dia dah ws tu, kitaorang contact macam biasa but waktu siang, i guess dia busy so tak ws sangat but malam okay. But still no morning wishes but i dont want to make it as an issue. So i just whatsapp him good morning first.

   Jadi, ni lah yang tersimpan setakat ni. Awak, i know you are very busy lately and tak bukak my blog sangat dah kot so i wrote here and leave it here je. I'm sorry tak bagi tahu you straight forward dekat whatsapp sebab i tak nak spoil our good times together sebab nak dapat whatsapp dengan you reply laju bukannya senang T.T If you baca, i just wanted to say that i still love you the same and i hope you feel the same. Remember you promised me to always be honest ? So i harap you tak hide apa apa from i. I trust you. I'm looking forward for more good memories to be kept and remember. I love you.

Monday, July 3, 2017

For You

Assalamualaikum and hello. I just came back from Perak just now and already mandi and unpack things so now am on my way to sleep. But masa tengah drive tadi, i had this thought to make an entry for my boyfriend. Its more to confession.

   So hi bae. First of all, i wanted to apologize if i have ever disappoint you, like, maybe being insecure thinking that you might like someone else so you disappointed because it looks like i didn't trust you. I'm sorry. That's what girlfriends do you know. Because i always feel that i am not good enough for you and for everyone that are important in my life. Lately, if you realize, i got no morning text from you and expecting at least you might text me first everyday but in the end, i only got your twitter notification. So i just thought that maybe you got something to do the moment you woke up and very busy in the morning. And when i got your twitter notification, i guess that maybe you have short time to play with the phone so you just open twitter instead and text me later when you have a plenty of time. Or maybe its my turn rn to text you first everyday ? I'm sorry for not saying this earlier because i thought that all of this things only mattered to me. I am the one who craves for your attention a lot. So i make myself busy too by doing the house chores or reads novel.

   I actually afraid that when we less communicate, our love to each other fades. Yes i overthink. I know. But now, i am trying to be more indepedent, and not to overthink too much. Honestly, you got my total trust. I trust you and i know you will not cheat on me and always be honest with me. So sayang, i hope that you will not break my trust this time and this is your third chance that i gave to you and i hope i don't have to give another chance because i don't know if i will give that 'another chance'. But who knows what might happened next in the future, right ?

   I always miss our time when we both at the campus. Our night walk, our late night conversation, lepak at the place that we can see the moon and the stars, when you sing a song to me, main kejar kejar, everything. And i'm looking forward to make more happy memories with you.

   Do you want to know something ? You are actually my first love even tho before you i have quite number of exes ;p I think you knew already that you are my first love aite ? Hahaha. I love you.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Maybe I Deserve To Be Alone

Assalamualaikum and hi. So tonight, my grandma once again tegur about my attitude yang selalu stay in the room and spend my time alone. I don't blame her for sure. I know its my fault because i'm avoiding myself from socializing with people. But i don't know why. I feel that i have so many problems but i can't manage to handle it.

   First of all, since my parents separated, i jarang spend masa dengan diorang since i was 1 year old. I tinggal dengan my grandma since that. She took care of me and my sister until now. But, tak semuanya indah kan. Banyak benda yang jadi dulu yang aku sendiri tak mampu nak cerita dekat sini and i can only keep it to myself. Since i was a kid, so many things happened in front of my eyes that makes me realized that everyone make mistakes. Its just either you berubah to the better atau menyesal kejap je, then buat  balik. Kalau nak cerita benda satu satu apa yang jadi, i'm not able to do it because too  many things happened.

   So, tadi my grandma tegur why i like to spend my time alone in the room without socializing with the family. You know, i'm not actually 100% spending my time in the room. I always help her doing the house chores, kalau dia nak keluar i drive, kalau dia mintak tolong apa apa, i buat. Bila malam habis terawih pun, i spend my time with her and paklang watching drama. Then about 10.30 above, i will excuse myself nak naik bilik. I don't know where did i go wrong. I always dengar all her teguran, all her stories, everything without denying anything that she said. She said that i prioritize my friends and gadget than my own family. Man, i hang out with my friend baru sekali, teman kawan pergi deliver makanan, pun baru sekali, berbuka dengan kawan, pun baru sekali ni je. But the way she said macam i often did all those things. Rasa pressured gila. Dengan my mom nak i stay at her house this raya. All this things, i never felt like beban because its my responsibility as their daughter and cucu. But i tertekan sometimes.

   About staying at my mom's house, bukannya tak nak my grandma ikut, but i know her well. She doesn't like to stay at people's house even her own daughter and son's house. She likes to stay at her home and if she agreed to stay together at my mom's house for at least one night, i can't manage to manja manja with my mom because she will be jealous and will start to mengungkit when the time comes.

   Yes. Right now, i don't have anything like house, car and own money. I still depend on them. That's why i am not able to do anything because once i say what i wanted to say to my grandma, then she will said something like "sekarang dah tak ada apa apa dah cakap macam ni kalau dah ada harta sendiri nanti".

   I seriously don't like to share with anyone about this because its kinda private you know. But i can't stand it anymore. I need to write because i can't keep it to myself anymore. I cried in my bathroom really hard that i really cried out loud. I don't know where to go for me to release all these things that keep stuck in my mind. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone. I deserve to be alone. But thinking that, kita tak boleh lari dari masalah kan ? And if people read this, it seems like its not a big deal kan ? But to me, it is because there are so much thing that i still keep it inside that i can't manage to write it here. That's why i'm so blessed to have a boyfriend and friends because to me, when im with them, i can escape from all this for a while. I know it sounds not right but that's the only way i have for now to forget all those things for a while. And i always wanted to make people around me happy because i don't want them to feel or face the same thing that i'm facing.

    But at the same time, i'm blessed because God made me a person yang tak marah lama, tak sedih lama and know how to pujuk myself. I know i will be better tomorrow inshaaAllah. I know i can face all this. I know i can.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Feeling Like The World Is Against Me

Assalamualaikum and hi. So i just had lunch with grandma and now i'm back to my room because...you know, i just love to stay in my room as my grandma is going to take her rest. So yeah. Do you know when people said that every time you are alone, you will start to think and it will become overthinking that it turns out you will be depressed ? I always have that kind of situation but am i depressed ? I don't know.

   Sometimes, i don't like myself being easily insecure and overthink over a small things. For example ; my close friend unretweeted my tweet. It's ridiculous that i thought she hates me because she unretweeted the tweet. That is how easily i overthink. That's why i always appreciate the people that are still beside me till now and bare with my attitude especially my boyfriend and close friends. When it comes to insecurities, i will easily feel insecure when i see someone is so much better than me and moreover if the person are related to the people around me. I feel like there are so much flaws in me and i started to feel that i'm not good enough for everyone. I have no confidence. Its rare to see me with my confidence.

   And sometimes, i feel that the whole world is against me. Like, everything i do was wrong and no one will notice my capability and my kindness. All people can see in me is my flaws and disability. I have trust issues too till i did reach this part where i don't believe anyone at all. Because i'm afraid and honestly i don't know what i'm afraid of.

   I don't know what's got into me that i become like this and i feel that it becomes worst. I want to improve and i can see that my boyfriend and my close friends did help me. The decision is myself right now if i wanted to become the worst, or to improve myself to be the best.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm Not Enjoying My Semester Break

Assalamualaikum and hi. There's so much thing that happened today and today is my emotional day and not a good day for me. I don't know why but everything seems not right today.

   First thing is, i woke up late today. Second, my grandma really not good in timing. Dia suka ajak keluar when its near to maghrib ke apa to buy things or anything lah yang need to leave the house. I'm not blaming her for this. I know she must've not realize it. Third, there's an open burning bila aku basuh baju. So my baju mostly bau asap and my room too. Then, when i'm taking my wudhu for my maghrib prayer, suddenly ada katak beside me and it came out from nowhere. Thennn, when i'm in the kitchen, suddenly ada cengkerik lompat dekat my hand. Lastly, someone that i quite don't like the person, came to the house at 10pm like seriously ? Its 10pm. And today, i didn't text with my boyfriend that much. But i don't blame him as i knew he is with his family, spending his time with them.

   Lately, i cried quite a lot. For no reason and if there's a reason, its because i'm sad that i can't enjoy my semester break. I feel more like staying in a prison. That's why i always lock up myself in the room. I don't want to show my bad side to my grandma. I don't like it because i really appreciate my grandma's effort for taking care of me since i was a kid. Its not that i'm being fake, its just that, i just want to give my best to her,

   I wanted to tell to my boyfriend how worst my day is today. But, i often tell him how depressed i am. It seems like i only wanted him to understand me and i'm not being understanding at all. Lagipun, he seems very tired today and enjoyed his day today. So i don't want to spoil the mood.

   I don't know until when i will be like this. Keeping up all inside and rarely let it out about how i feel. I'm afraid that one day everyone will leave me because they can't stand my attitude anymore. Especially my loved ones. Now, its like in the drama you know, typing while crying and listening to my playlist.

   Sometimes i just don't understand myself.