Saturday, September 9, 2017

New Semester

Assalamualaikum and hi ! I'm now in my new room, V5K and guess what, i'm back at 4th floor. Fortunately, the view is very nice and the room is very okay too. I came to UTP yesterday but i need to send my grandma to KL back. Then, i took ETS to go back to UTP. Kebetulan Nina needs to take care of her friend's car. So she fetch me yesterday at Batu Gajah. I slept in her room since no one is in her house except her and so do my house.

   I woke up at 7am, tu pun sebab i heard my boyfriend's notification sound and i thought i was dreaming. Its true man hahaha. He said that he is on his way to UTP. Am i excited ? Of course ! But our village is so far away and its hard for us to meet. Like really hujung dunia dengan hujung dunia dalam UTP. But what can we do ? I miss my friends too. I'm sad because we were not able to stay in the same house. The 8 of us. We separated into two. Me, Teha, Sofina and Diana at V5K while Afifah, Syera and Ain at V4. Aida, she currently having a problem to register so she don't have any room yet.

   Am i ready for second year ? To be honest, no. Ada subject programming T.T Lagi lagi when not able to live in the same house with all my bestfriends, and living so far apart from my boyfriend. But i'll get used to it i guess.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Missed Chances.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Just now i burst into tears lepas tengok drama korea because at the same time, i'm so sad today and nothing makes me happy the entire day. I cried after watching the drama because, its about how two person live separately and finally meet each other in the end when both of them dah tua. I know how it feels to missed someone for so long. Like how can they not to meet each other almost 38 years man ?! Weh i didn't meet my boyfriend for almost 4 months pun, it hurts like hell sebab tak dapat jumpa lansung.

   So it happens today sepatutnya i meet him because he is at Melaka too. Stayed at his uncle's house till this evening. Sepatutnya i can meet him sebab dah dekat sangat weh. Satu Melaka. But what can i do when i need to bring my grandma to pasar, help her cook, and my atuk sedara suddenly came. I don't blame them but the situation makes it hard for us to meet each other. He can't come to the house because he's just following his cousin. And last minute my grandma bagi green light to go to bandar on my own to meet my boyfriend. the time i got the green light, he is about to go home because he need to go back to KL. His flight to Kedah is tomorrow so...yeah.

   I just hope that there's a good reason behind all this and i'm really looking forward to meet him this September. I just miss him so much that i can't help but cry and sleep with his sweater. I'm so clingy aite ?

Monday, July 31, 2017

Feeling Sad

Assalamualaikum and hi. So my diary is out of page and i need to write tonight then i guess i just write it here as i know that no one will read it.

   My semester break didn't go that well and i think during this holiday, i cried a lot. Especially when i have family problems and difficulties to meet my boyfriend. I'm at that point that i feel to just run away from everything and live alone. I feel that no one understands me well but at the same time i feel that i'm so selfish because expecting people to just understand me. I don't know if i'm depressed or not. But i keep so many things in my mind that no one knows i'm screaming inside.

   Since big argument happened twice this holiday, i'm just hoping to see my boyfriend just to run away from all this problems for a while. So we planned to meet up. But honestly, i didn't put any hope because i know its hard for us to meet and i feel that we will never meet each other this holiday. Turns out, its true. Padahal he said that he will be in Melaka this weekend and i'm home on Saturday morning after came back from Kota Kinabalu the night  before because my grandma wants to go home as soon as possible. But what can we do ? Takkan i go to his uncle's house and meet him. I don't think it will give a good impression on me. Its like i'm so shameless datang rumah his uncle just to meet my boyfriend. So when he told me  that we might not see each other, automatically i cried. Dah macam drama sampai mandi pun menangis. I just can't stop crying. I don't know why. Sometimes i feel that he just created an excuses for not to see me but i know he's not. Its just too hard for us to meet and i think i cried because of this difficulties to meet each other. We didn't on the phone that often, no skype and dalam satu hari pun tak contact that frequent. If i senyap then dia pun senyap. But sometimes i just keep it in a positive way thinking that he is so busy that he doesn't have the time to text me and that he has his responsibility as a son, just to make myself okay and make myself busy too so that i don't think much.

   I don't know how to say about exactly how i feel right now. Celaru. I'm emotionally totally not okay but i tried to be okay because that's the only option that i have. God give me the strength to face all this.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

I'm Sorry

Assalamualaikum and hi (<-- benda wajib everytime nak update entry haha) so rasanya hari ni nak update bahasa rojak je kot and mostly bahasa Melayu sebab nanti banyak grammatical error :p

   So just nak share what's on my mind sebab malas nak tulis dekat diary hari ni. Typing is easier. Lets start.

   Hari tu, i'm asking such questions dekat boyfriend. I tanya did he still love me the same or stronger or fading. I tanya soalan macam tu because of lately tak communicate (at that time la. Sekarang i guess better ? At least whatsapp every night) So when i asked that kind of question, dia jawab "your choice". I never understand why is it my choice. I tanya dia why is it my choice but then dia jawab "your choice la". I guess kalau i don't have that kind of patience, dah gaduh kot masa tu ? So i answered that i hope his love for me is still the same or stronger, not fading and hoping that kitaorang less communicate sebab dia busy. Bukan sebab dia dah tak interested nak whatsapp. Guess what happened after that ? Dia tak balas T.T

   Seharian dia tak balas lansung and esoknya pun seharian dia tak ws. Aku pun diam je lah maybe he needs time. TAPI bila dia tak balas tu, dia buat aku terfikir apa yang aku cakap tu tak betul. So dia tak sampai hati nak deny, dia diam je tak balas apa. I'm overthink again isnt it ?

   So in the end, aku mengalah and whatsapp dia malam tu saying that i miss him and actually hoped that he whatsapp me and said that he missed me. No replies. Maybe dia dah tidur masa aku hantar ws. I cried a lot that night. Such a crybaby. Haih. Then i'm hoping yang esok dia ws cakap sorry or said something yang meyakinkan like "yes i still love you the same/stronger. Dont think too much. Saya busy these days and banyak masalah. Thats why tak balas ws awak". Tapi harapan tinggal harapan.

   But then, think dari positive side, at least dia ws the next day saying that he missed me more than i do. Tu pun i actually tweeted before that that i missed him. But i switched off my phone lepas tweet tu haha. Rupanya lepas tu dia tweet "whatsapp tak balas pulak" something like that. Yelaaa i off phone sebab tak nak tahu dia ws ke tak. Takut kecewa ha ha ha. Since dia dah ws tu, kitaorang contact macam biasa but waktu siang, i guess dia busy so tak ws sangat but malam okay. But still no morning wishes but i dont want to make it as an issue. So i just whatsapp him good morning first.

   Jadi, ni lah yang tersimpan setakat ni. Awak, i know you are very busy lately and tak bukak my blog sangat dah kot so i wrote here and leave it here je. I'm sorry tak bagi tahu you straight forward dekat whatsapp sebab i tak nak spoil our good times together sebab nak dapat whatsapp dengan you reply laju bukannya senang T.T If you baca, i just wanted to say that i still love you the same and i hope you feel the same. Remember you promised me to always be honest ? So i harap you tak hide apa apa from i. I trust you. I'm looking forward for more good memories to be kept and remember. I love you.

Monday, July 3, 2017

For You

Assalamualaikum and hello. I just came back from Perak just now and already mandi and unpack things so now am on my way to sleep. But masa tengah drive tadi, i had this thought to make an entry for my boyfriend. Its more to confession.

   So hi bae. First of all, i wanted to apologize if i have ever disappoint you, like, maybe being insecure thinking that you might like someone else so you disappointed because it looks like i didn't trust you. I'm sorry. That's what girlfriends do you know. Because i always feel that i am not good enough for you and for everyone that are important in my life. Lately, if you realize, i got no morning text from you and expecting at least you might text me first everyday but in the end, i only got your twitter notification. So i just thought that maybe you got something to do the moment you woke up and very busy in the morning. And when i got your twitter notification, i guess that maybe you have short time to play with the phone so you just open twitter instead and text me later when you have a plenty of time. Or maybe its my turn rn to text you first everyday ? I'm sorry for not saying this earlier because i thought that all of this things only mattered to me. I am the one who craves for your attention a lot. So i make myself busy too by doing the house chores or reads novel.

   I actually afraid that when we less communicate, our love to each other fades. Yes i overthink. I know. But now, i am trying to be more indepedent, and not to overthink too much. Honestly, you got my total trust. I trust you and i know you will not cheat on me and always be honest with me. So sayang, i hope that you will not break my trust this time and this is your third chance that i gave to you and i hope i don't have to give another chance because i don't know if i will give that 'another chance'. But who knows what might happened next in the future, right ?

   I always miss our time when we both at the campus. Our night walk, our late night conversation, lepak at the place that we can see the moon and the stars, when you sing a song to me, main kejar kejar, everything. And i'm looking forward to make more happy memories with you.

   Do you want to know something ? You are actually my first love even tho before you i have quite number of exes ;p I think you knew already that you are my first love aite ? Hahaha. I love you.