Thursday, March 23, 2017

Am I So Desperate ?

Assalamualaikum and hi. Well, actually i'm in the middle of my group's meeting for our group project but my part dah siap dah so... i started to open all the social medias and explore all the things that i wanted to explore. And suddenly i'm feeling like to deactivate my Twitter and Instagram for a day. Just to stop myself from stalking the same person everyday and feeling so insecure. Then i opened Tumblr and read something...

   Sometimes i wonder, the way i wanted someone to stay in my life, does it shows that i'm so desperate to keep someone that i love forever ? You know, i really don't like it when someone stays in my life just because that particular person is pity of me. I'd rather being left because there's no more love. It hurts that knowing someone stays in your life for so long but with no love. Its just because of, you know, kesian.

   I might not be strong enough to accept the fact that someone i love are no longer love and stays with me. But i know i can go through it but its just take a plenty of time for me to make a move.

   I don't know why i have this sudden thoughts. Maybe what i said here is true, or maybe i'm just overthinking. I hate myself for being so insecure because of afraid being left out by the one that i love. I'm sorry if i'm just overreacting and overthinking. I hope that you know how much i love you. That's why sometimes i'm being like this. Don't worry, i hate myself too.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Loving Someone

Assalamualaikum and hello ! So i'm trying to make my night productive as possible because i was asleep from 12 noon till 6pm and because i didn't sleep the whole day since yesterday. Barai weyy g kelas hahaha. So today is my 5th monthsary with my handsome boyfriend kihkih. How fast time flies, in 5 months, a lot of things already happened. Too many things to be remembered.

   You know, today, i've seen two of my friends being sad about their partner or maybe ex-partner. Its sad to see someone with a broken-heart. How i wish i can help them, cheer them up.

   Sometimes, i feel like, in a relationship, what a couple should do is believe in each other, support each other, and accepting all of their perfect and imperfections. And if you truly love someone from your heart, having 1 person as your partner is already more than enough, you will love them endlessly because that one person already mattered the most to you. The most important is, you never get bored of them. All the things that you do with them, time spent with them, all the memories that being shared together, you will appreciate it and enjoy it. If things goes wrong, you and your partner will put an effort to make it right. Psst, and girls really love guys who put effort even for the simplest thing.

   And to my boyfriend, it doesn't matter if you don't have a car, or can't buy me an expensive scarf. I don't need that. Having you in my life is already more than enough. The love and attention is all that i need. Being with you already made my day everyday. You will never know how much i love you and care for you. Thank you for loving me and accepting me just the way i am (even tho i know sometimes you rimas because i'm too clingy). I love you and happy 5th monthsary ! Hihi.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Feeling of Not Being Good Enough #part2

Assalamualaikum. Wazzup gais. Me now in the lab waiting for the lab session to start at 2. And something came up. Its about keeping someone's secret.

   You know, sometimes i realized that i accidentally tell someone's secret without realizing it until someone tegur. Its not that i don't want to keep people's secret. MAN I WOULD LOVE TO BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING TOTALLY TRUSTED. I'm such a horrible person. Or maybe i deserved to be alone. People think that i'm innocent and kind but me myself, i don't feel that way. I feel like i'm the most horrible person and don't deserve to be friend with anyone. That's why sometimes i love to be alone but at the same time i wanted to be around my friends, partner and especially family. When you are alone, i feel like that's the only way you will not hurt anyone. But that's not what life supposed to be.

   Sometimes i'm blessed to have a very good friends beside me. Even tho how bad i am, how many mistakes i made, they still accept me the way i am and i appreciate it so much. They are very precious to me and i would love to be their friends forever. And if they want to. So to my lovely friends, i try to change my bad attitude because i also hate myself for being like this. I realized my mistakes. Thank you for making me realized it. I love you girls. :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Feeling of Not Being Good Enough

Assalamualaikum and hello peeps. What a productive day today. I just settle things up for Peer Helper Family Day tomorrow. And terserempak dengan boyfriend tadi hihihi. Tell me who's not happy when they can see their partner's face ? Sorry English terabur. Grammar selalu tak betul. So, at 6 maybe i have my rugby training and at night i have Basketball for my coq. Tuesday has always been my most productive day.

   Okay so what's with the title of my entry ? Well, batrisyia is being batrisyia. I just stalked my own boyfriend's twitter and i tengok all the things that he have posted until tahun berapa tah tak ingat. But i just tengok his media and i found out something. It is something that i've been asking him before this but he'll never answer. And what i expected was true. The weird thing is, i'm not feeling mad or something like that. I just feel kind of sad because i feel that i'm not good enough for him. It sounds kind of weird but i wanted to be the best for him and the one that he love so much. But i can't help from feeling that what i've done for him before this or present, is not enough. I'm always afraid that he will fall for someone else. That's why i'm being so clingy know, always seek for his attention. And i always afraid when it comes to holidays because we will be far apart. I always have this thought were if we were not meant to be together. How i'm gonna accept that fact while i love him so damn much because..yeah he's my first love. I've never been this happy and i've never cry for a guy even i did have a boyfriend before this.

   Well, i'm just saying what's on my mind because actually i'm alone in the room right now and this is what i like to do. My friends always said that "don't mind the past because now you are the one who is with him" and i'm always glad that he came back after a long time and i'm always blessed and grateful that he is mine. Some people might say that i'm stupid enough because accepting someone that have been hurt me so much but time heals and i forgive him and i would love to have a good and better relationship this time. With him. I love you boyfriend hihi.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

After 4 Days Past

Assalamualaikum and evening peeps. Well, its 11.30pm. I'm trying to finish up my assignment that need to be submitted to my group-mate this coming Monday. But, suddenly i'm feeling like wanted to update my blog because as usual, i have so many thoughts in my head.
   So what happened after 4 days past ? Me and my boyfriend meet again this early in the morning. Well actually  yesterday i whatsapp-ed him because i wanted to meet him to return our belongings and to settle quite few things(coz i have lots of things to tell him and to ask him). But unfortunately, he was at Ipoh with his friends last night. So he replied my whatsapp around 3am and surprisingly he said he missed me...
   I thought that he will not reply to my whatsapp because of his ego and maybe because he really have no feelings towards me anymore. So i thought he may have less intention to reply my whatsapp. But end up, he said that he missed me. Then i responded by asking why did he leave me if ended up he is the one who missed me ? You know, i miss him a lot too. More than he does. Then dia ajak breakfast sama sama. So we meet around 7am. We talked about a lot of things about us and its more to heart to heart session. This time, its my decision that we should continue our relationship or not. Then, what i said to him was that, of course i will accept him. Because on the day i gave him second chance, i already prepared myself by taking the risk of any possibilities that might happened. I know him very well. I know how screwed up he will be and because of how screwed up and fucked up he is, he left me 4 days ago.
   I also don't know what's wrong with myself because keep on giving him a chance. Some girls are just too fool about relationships and they willingly to do anything to take everything as long as they are with their partners. The one that they love the most.
   Now, i'm happy that he is mine again. But i'm afraid that he might not be happy. He said that he is happy but i know this guy. He will never say about what's actually on his mind and he likes to keep it by himself. If you are reading this dear boyfriend, i wanted you to know that how i'm glad that you are mine and no matter how bad, cruel, kind, you are, i still love you. You don't have to be perfect to be with me because i'm not that perfect too. I make mistakes. Often. Let's just support each other in becoming a better person for our future, okay ? I love you.