Thursday, June 15, 2017

Maybe I Deserve To Be Alone

Assalamualaikum and hi. So tonight, my grandma once again tegur about my attitude yang selalu stay in the room and spend my time alone. I don't blame her for sure. I know its my fault because i'm avoiding myself from socializing with people. But i don't know why. I feel that i have so many problems but i can't manage to handle it.

   First of all, since my parents separated, i jarang spend masa dengan diorang since i was 1 year old. I tinggal dengan my grandma since that. She took care of me and my sister until now. But, tak semuanya indah kan. Banyak benda yang jadi dulu yang aku sendiri tak mampu nak cerita dekat sini and i can only keep it to myself. Since i was a kid, so many things happened in front of my eyes that makes me realized that everyone make mistakes. Its just either you berubah to the better atau menyesal kejap je, then buat  balik. Kalau nak cerita benda satu satu apa yang jadi, i'm not able to do it because too  many things happened.

   So, tadi my grandma tegur why i like to spend my time alone in the room without socializing with the family. You know, i'm not actually 100% spending my time in the room. I always help her doing the house chores, kalau dia nak keluar i drive, kalau dia mintak tolong apa apa, i buat. Bila malam habis terawih pun, i spend my time with her and paklang watching drama. Then about 10.30 above, i will excuse myself nak naik bilik. I don't know where did i go wrong. I always dengar all her teguran, all her stories, everything without denying anything that she said. She said that i prioritize my friends and gadget than my own family. Man, i hang out with my friend baru sekali, teman kawan pergi deliver makanan, pun baru sekali, berbuka dengan kawan, pun baru sekali ni je. But the way she said macam i often did all those things. Rasa pressured gila. Dengan my mom nak i stay at her house this raya. All this things, i never felt like beban because its my responsibility as their daughter and cucu. But i tertekan sometimes.

   About staying at my mom's house, bukannya tak nak my grandma ikut, but i know her well. She doesn't like to stay at people's house even her own daughter and son's house. She likes to stay at her home and if she agreed to stay together at my mom's house for at least one night, i can't manage to manja manja with my mom because she will be jealous and will start to mengungkit when the time comes.

   Yes. Right now, i don't have anything like house, car and own money. I still depend on them. That's why i am not able to do anything because once i say what i wanted to say to my grandma, then she will said something like "sekarang dah tak ada apa apa dah cakap macam ni kalau dah ada harta sendiri nanti".

   I seriously don't like to share with anyone about this because its kinda private you know. But i can't stand it anymore. I need to write because i can't keep it to myself anymore. I cried in my bathroom really hard that i really cried out loud. I don't know where to go for me to release all these things that keep stuck in my mind. Sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to be with anyone. I deserve to be alone. But thinking that, kita tak boleh lari dari masalah kan ? And if people read this, it seems like its not a big deal kan ? But to me, it is because there are so much thing that i still keep it inside that i can't manage to write it here. That's why i'm so blessed to have a boyfriend and friends because to me, when im with them, i can escape from all this for a while. I know it sounds not right but that's the only way i have for now to forget all those things for a while. And i always wanted to make people around me happy because i don't want them to feel or face the same thing that i'm facing.

    But at the same time, i'm blessed because God made me a person yang tak marah lama, tak sedih lama and know how to pujuk myself. I know i will be better tomorrow inshaaAllah. I know i can face all this. I know i can.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Feeling Like The World Is Against Me

Assalamualaikum and hi. So i just had lunch with grandma and now i'm back to my room because...you know, i just love to stay in my room as my grandma is going to take her rest. So yeah. Do you know when people said that every time you are alone, you will start to think and it will become overthinking that it turns out you will be depressed ? I always have that kind of situation but am i depressed ? I don't know.

   Sometimes, i don't like myself being easily insecure and overthink over a small things. For example ; my close friend unretweeted my tweet. It's ridiculous that i thought she hates me because she unretweeted the tweet. That is how easily i overthink. That's why i always appreciate the people that are still beside me till now and bare with my attitude especially my boyfriend and close friends. When it comes to insecurities, i will easily feel insecure when i see someone is so much better than me and moreover if the person are related to the people around me. I feel like there are so much flaws in me and i started to feel that i'm not good enough for everyone. I have no confidence. Its rare to see me with my confidence.

   And sometimes, i feel that the whole world is against me. Like, everything i do was wrong and no one will notice my capability and my kindness. All people can see in me is my flaws and disability. I have trust issues too till i did reach this part where i don't believe anyone at all. Because i'm afraid and honestly i don't know what i'm afraid of.

   I don't know what's got into me that i become like this and i feel that it becomes worst. I want to improve and i can see that my boyfriend and my close friends did help me. The decision is myself right now if i wanted to become the worst, or to improve myself to be the best.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm Not Enjoying My Semester Break

Assalamualaikum and hi. There's so much thing that happened today and today is my emotional day and not a good day for me. I don't know why but everything seems not right today.

   First thing is, i woke up late today. Second, my grandma really not good in timing. Dia suka ajak keluar when its near to maghrib ke apa to buy things or anything lah yang need to leave the house. I'm not blaming her for this. I know she must've not realize it. Third, there's an open burning bila aku basuh baju. So my baju mostly bau asap and my room too. Then, when i'm taking my wudhu for my maghrib prayer, suddenly ada katak beside me and it came out from nowhere. Thennn, when i'm in the kitchen, suddenly ada cengkerik lompat dekat my hand. Lastly, someone that i quite don't like the person, came to the house at 10pm like seriously ? Its 10pm. And today, i didn't text with my boyfriend that much. But i don't blame him as i knew he is with his family, spending his time with them.

   Lately, i cried quite a lot. For no reason and if there's a reason, its because i'm sad that i can't enjoy my semester break. I feel more like staying in a prison. That's why i always lock up myself in the room. I don't want to show my bad side to my grandma. I don't like it because i really appreciate my grandma's effort for taking care of me since i was a kid. Its not that i'm being fake, its just that, i just want to give my best to her,

   I wanted to tell to my boyfriend how worst my day is today. But, i often tell him how depressed i am. It seems like i only wanted him to understand me and i'm not being understanding at all. Lagipun, he seems very tired today and enjoyed his day today. So i don't want to spoil the mood.

   I don't know until when i will be like this. Keeping up all inside and rarely let it out about how i feel. I'm afraid that one day everyone will leave me because they can't stand my attitude anymore. Especially my loved ones. Now, its like in the drama you know, typing while crying and listening to my playlist.

   Sometimes i just don't understand myself.
 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Its All About You

Assalamualaikum and hi. I just came back from KL this afternoon and now i'm chilling myself by watching kdrama. So i just finished 1 episode and i think that's enough for today. Because right now i'm feeling like to write something and it is about nae namja cinggu.

   What makes me want to write about him is that, i have this thoughts on how i bravely take the risk for giving him a second chance last year and alhamdulillah we are still together till now. So i wanted to write about that.

   This guy, i met him when we were in our foundation year. I was having my lunch with my bestfriend at that time and suddenly he came. We just knew each other just like that until this one time he suddenly approach me when i was alone at the cafe doing some lecture notes. To make it short, he ask permission to use my cellphone because he said that he was bored and his cellphone is out of battery. Since i didn't keep any secret in my phone and he is not a stranger to me at that time, so i gave him my phone. Suddenly he saved his contact number in my phone and asked me to call him so that he can get my number. But i ignored that request for weeks because i thought that he was joking. After weeks, he asked for my number through my roommate as he knew my roommate. My roommate asked for my permission of course but i just thought that maybe he just wanted to be friends so i said yes and my roommate gave my number to him. We texted each other and i did rejected him but well, i accepted him at last because finally i fall for him. Then months past, something happened between us (can be referred at my previous entry) so we ended up our relationship.

   After almost a year of moving on, he came back for a second chance. At that time, honestly i almost completely moving on. But since he came, we talked to each other as usual and i'm satisfied with our conversation because i managed to ask him what's on my mind and i got an explanation from him face to face. So what makes me give him a second chance ? The first thing is, because i still have feelings towards him and second, it is because i truly believe that he will change and he will become a better man. I know since we get back together, my level of insecurities becomes very high and i'm very very insecure because i'm afraid of the same thing might happened again. I'm being very paranoid. But he is still there, bearing with my insecurities and overthinking with his fullest patience and he never blame me for being insecure and overthinking. He admit his mistakes and always say sorry for his mistakes towards me. Sometimes i almost giving up on him because he ignored me quite often at first, but thinking that he is a very understanding man, knew so much about me and of course thinking that i can't live without him that makes me to stay. To be honest, i did pray if he is the one for me, then make it happened. I'm not saying right now that he is my jodoh because we don't know what might happened in the future. But i'm hoping and pray that he is the last one for me. I don't think i will love another guy the same after this like the way i love him. Thank you for staying dear boyfriend. <3

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

At The Urge of Giving Up

Assalamualaikum and hi. Now, i'm on my study week. Tomorrow, final exam starts. Then, 4 months of semester break. Just now, i got my coursework mark for Economics subject and i only manage to get 26/60. I know, its bad. Very bad.

   When i think about it back, its actually my fault. It's too late for now for me to realize and make it up again. I'm focusing too much on something that i shouldn't be worrying about and i'm easily give up on something. I never put effort in trying to make something happened. I wanted the best, but i didn't make an effort. I felt that i'm a burden to my family, but you know, i didn't do my best.

   I don't know what to do right now. Lately i'm always having a headache. Even sekarang pun pening lagi. I'm sad of myself because i have too much flaws that i cover it up before this just to not to burden people around me. But i guess i'm actually a burden to them even if i try not to be. Why i'm always like this. Blaming myself for many reasons and started to give up.

   But i know, i can't take this as an excuse for me to not to be a better person. I need to change myself. I can't always give up just like that. Things can be change. I  love my family, friends and boyfriend. I wanted to be the best for them. So i need to get up again and try to make everything better instead of complaining about myself but not making any effort.