Thursday, November 2, 2017

Mistakes.

Assalamualaikum and hi. So finally after almost 2 months of not going back home, i'm going home tonight with my sister and her friend. My train is at 11pm tonight and will arrive at 3am. Today will be a very tiring day for me. I don't want to go home but i guess i need to take a break for a while. My grandma is not feeling well too. That's the actual reason i'm going home this week.

   Yesterday, i met my boyfriend because i am worried because he seems not okay yesterday. I also have this one routine that i would like to meet him before i went back home. So i met him yesterday evening and sent him to his class after that. I am worried because he tweeted something about haunted by past mistakes and last night he tweeted about the name that will keep haunt him till the day of judgement. Its weird man. So i texted him  last night to ask if he is actually okay and he answered "okay jer". Then poof senyap.

   Actually i feel guilty because yesterday i challenged him to forget me and find another one because he keeps on teasing me like "oh awek" "lawanya awek tu" "lupa awek ada dekat sebelah". ???? I know it is a joke but i'm hurt somehow. Because i am that type that easily felt insecure and overthink. He should know that.

   And lately when i met him, i don't see any excitement in his face when he met me. I don't know if i overreact or what. I easily terasa dengan perubahan reaction someone even the slightest. I started to overthink lately thinking that he may be annoyed with me because i am being so clingy lately, like, i wanted to meet him everyday. I hate myself for that. What if he really find someone else and forget me ?

   Honestly, i love his changes these days. I can feel his love and attention. Before this, it is very rare for me to have all that kind of thing. I can feel he love me more than before and really appreciate my existence and never going to let me go. Its just that my overthinking disturbs me.

   I do afraid of losing him.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Insecure

Assalamualaikum and hi. Me having trouble to sleep lately sebab banyak sangat fikir benda yang useless. Yeaa man i have anxieties.

   I think that's why i easily overthinking and started to feel down, useless, and everything that are similar to that.

   I have my girl crush. She is someone that to me, she have everything ; kindness, pretty, intelligent, independent, and skillful. But me ? I feel that i have nothing. That's why i easily felt insecure.

   And i think i have a problem that i want everyone around me likes to be with me and have a good connection with me. But, life isn't about satisfying everyone's need kan ? But then, i still wanted to satisfy people's need and always put everyone else first before me. I think that's why i am never happy and people always see me as a sad girl that always overthinking and tweeted sad tweets.

   I tried to be happy. But by the time i am happy, something bad might happened that makes me feel like i don't deserve to be happy. I don't know why am i like this. I think i am just afraid that everyone leaves from my life and left me alone. And i think maybe that's why sometimes i like to spend my time alone. Because maybe i need to get used to it one day.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Useless

Assalamualaikum and hi. Today i went out to Ipoh Parade with my roommate, Nina and her friend. We went there because i need to change my phone line to Digi. Weh tak nak tukar Digi T.T But what can i do because i'm not the one who pays the bill every month.

   So after i settled things down at Digi center, my dad called. Masa tu dah halfway from Ipoh Parade and on the way nak balik UTP. Rupanya i registered one of the numbers for sub-line salah and it is his number. He wanted to change his phone line using his second number which i don't know about that number. So i need to go back to Ipoh Parade tomorrow with my sister.

   The thing that i felt myself as a useless person is because of money. I rasa yang i wasted all my family's money on something that are not useful. I know that nowadays, its hard to earn money as everything now becomes very pricey. I regretted for not taking a part-time job during my semester break. On September, i used my money up to RM700 just for a month and i used a lot of my PTPTN's money too. I should use that money to pay my fees but i used it little by little till it becomes a lot to pay back.

   Haih. Its all about money.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Mom

Assalamualaikum and hi. Good day everyone ! So, i don't have any class today. Free the whole day. Maybe nak teman Afifah hantar Sofina to KTM and bawak Aida beli tiket bas.

   Semalam, whatsapp dengan Umi. I miss her a lot. Nak balik tapi duit cepat sangat habis. I tried to berjimat tapi tah le cepat jugak habis duitnye. Nak balik minggu ni, last minute sangat and tak boleh nak balik awal Jumaat. Minggu depan, ada event hari Sabtu and Ahad is hehe anniversary. Minggu lagi satu, Azreen datang and they planned to overnight at Cameron Highlands. Tu pun duit jugak tu. Nak dapat permission Baba lagi.

   I feel horrible because i was not there bila Umi susah and sakit.. Semalam Umi told me dia pitam sebab stress and she misses us so much. Umi is a very strong person and dia selalu hadap every single thing by her own self. Thinking how hard her life is, dengan berjauhan from me and Nina, really breaks my heart that i wish to cepat cepat graduate and kerja and give everything i have to Umi. Especially my time. I think the last time I met her masa raya kedua this year. Lepas tu tak jumpa dah. Such a horrible daughter, Batrisyia.

   I tried to be the best for Umi but i failed.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

New Semester

Assalamualaikum and hi ! I'm now in my new room, V5K and guess what, i'm back at 4th floor. Fortunately, the view is very nice and the room is very okay too. I came to UTP yesterday but i need to send my grandma to KL back. Then, i took ETS to go back to UTP. Kebetulan Nina needs to take care of her friend's car. So she fetch me yesterday at Batu Gajah. I slept in her room since no one is in her house except her and so do my house.

   I woke up at 7am, tu pun sebab i heard my boyfriend's notification sound and i thought i was dreaming. Its true man hahaha. He said that he is on his way to UTP. Am i excited ? Of course ! But our village is so far away and its hard for us to meet. Like really hujung dunia dengan hujung dunia dalam UTP. But what can we do ? I miss my friends too. I'm sad because we were not able to stay in the same house. The 8 of us. We separated into two. Me, Teha, Sofina and Diana at V5K while Afifah, Syera and Ain at V4. Aida, she currently having a problem to register so she don't have any room yet.

   Am i ready for second year ? To be honest, no. Ada subject programming T.T Lagi lagi when not able to live in the same house with all my bestfriends, and living so far apart from my boyfriend. But i'll get used to it i guess.