Thursday, January 18, 2018

Missing.

Assalamualaikum and hi. I don't know why i feel so tired today. Maybe because i started to go to rugby training after so long i didn't go for the training. I have a friendly game with other university this Sunday and honestly i'm nervous because we didn't train long enough and its been a while since the last time we had a match.

   Today i met my boyfriend after he finished his class. Finally. After days been missing and didn't text each other. I missed him so much that i feel like the first thing i want to do when i meet him is to hug him but i can't because people will be watching us. This time, we meet less than 1 hour because tadi pun sebab sementara tunggu kawan kawan dia datang jemput. But at least we met.

   Then i thought that tonight i want to meet him even by walking because that's the only option that we have. But, he went missing again. I'm being paranoid when he went missing like this and didn't text me. I know it shouldn't be a big deal about texting each other but you know, communication is the key. We both are lack in communication. I don't know what he is up to, if he is okay or not, and he also doesn't know what i am up to and if i am okay or not.

    I didn't text him first in a day is not because i have that mind set that guys should text their girl first. No. I just wanted to know how important i am to him if he ever think about me. I know there are a lot of things that we should think of but....i don't know. Maybe i'm just influenced by my surrounding, how my friends and their boyfriends treat each other, how they always communicate with each other.

   I know i should be used to this situation because its not my first time facing this kind of things. But you know, after our arguments, after days not seeing each other, after our awful days because of our results, i need him. I don't know if he feels the same too, if he ever need me.

   That's why sometimes i hate my overthinking. It becomes worst when we rarely communicate and when we are having a hard time to meet each other. I love him so much that i can sacrifice anything for him. Its been a while since i didn't cry because i miss him so much and tonight, i can't take it anymore. I cried.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Sorrowful Day.

Assalamualaikum and hi. My title today is affected with my Goblin's fever i admit it. Haha. But, today is really a sorrowful day. I daydreamed a lot.

   Today our result went out and i can say it was horrible. I failed one subject and my boyfriend too. He texted me by sending the screenshot of his result and i sent mine. Then he replied once, and went missing after that until now and i don't know until when. We both are at our lowest right now. The funny thing is, i feel that i am a horrible girlfriend because didn't comfort my boyfriend when he is at his lowest. But the truth is, i don't know what to do because i feel sad too. I never thought that i have to repeat a subject because i failed the subject. Who knows one of the thing that i fear the most alreadt happened to me ?

   Honestly i miss my boyfriend so much because meeting him yesterday just for 1 hour is not enough after not meeting him for 2 weeks. I know i'm so clingy that i want him infront of me most of the time. I need his hug, after a very rough day. How i wish i can just blow the candle and poof he is there in front of me like in the drama. And how i wish i have a car or his hostel is near me so that i can easily meet him (but if he wants to meet me after he knows his result).

   I shut myself up almost a day today because i gave him time for himself and that i think maybe he really need a time to think, to settle down all his problems. I believe he already did his best. He is still the best. He is still the best boyfriend. I wish he is here now with me, or i were there with him.

   I am sorry for being a horrible girlfriend for you because i never know how to comfort you. End up it will be you are the one who comforts me. I am sorry. I am afraid that i might lost you because you always make a decision to not contact me or leave me when things regarding to this happened. I am paranoid. So i thought being silent and give you a time for yourself is the best instead of i spam you and make you annoyed. I am sorry. I just love you and miss you so much.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

New Semester.

Assalamualaikum and hi. So today, is the first day of the semester and its quite unorganized. Its tiring too.

   I'm happy that i finally met my boyfriend today after class and we had lunch together. I am very happy or to be exact, beyond happy to see him. But it seems like this semester might be harder for us to meet each other ? Maybe. I feel blessed because he is still here with me, bearing with all my attitudes and overthinking and insecurities. But i'm just quite upset because he didn't reply to my text tonight while actually he is online. Maybe he is busy or, i said something that might upset him without i acknowledge it. I guess i should just give him some time alone tomorrow. God i miss him.

   Honestly this new semester is quite not a good start for me as there are a few things that happened even before the semester starts that upset and disappoint me. You know, i want to be the best for people around me (my family, my friends and my boyfriend). But i never feel that i am good enough for everyone. I feel that i am the one who needs to improve myself. I totally upset with myself so many times because letting people to see all my flaws and weaknesses. Maybe because i am desperately wants someone's attention. Wow look how desperate i am.

   I tried to be independent and strong but i feel like no one would believe that i can be that person. People's perception about me really does matter to me right ? I know i shouldn't care about people's perception about me. I know all that but i keep on denying all the truth and i don't even know why.

   I just need someone to talk to and i need a hug so bad right now. But my boyfriend is not replying to my text. I know i am so weak...

 

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Semester Break.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Today is my 6th day at home and of course i'm all day bored. I don't go hang out because it is hard for me to do so and i just went out of this house just because i need to pay bills, bring my grandma to bank,and bought some groceries for the house. The rest of the time ? Eating, and kurung diri sendiri dalam bilik sampai kena tegur sampai dah tak ter-tegur.

   As usual, every semester break i will have this anxiety, overthinking  and insecurities because i'm so far away from my boyfriend. I'm getting thoughts that he is bored with me because i know i'm such a boring person. This thing happened just because we rarely contact each other in a day. A day okay. You can see how clingy i am.

   I spent most of my time wondering did he miss me, did he wish that i was there with him or anything that related to that because i felt all that. I tried to control my clinginess but it seems like i'm still being clingy as usual. I only get my clingy boyfriend ikut musim je. Most of the time, i am the one who is very clingy, yang hari hari nak jumpa and kalau boleh nak duduk sebilik terus. Nasib baik tak boleh.

   And i realized that my insecurities is getting worse and so does my overthinking and anxiety too. I don't know why. Maybe because of the thoughts that i'm not good enough and i'm still lacking of so many things.

   Lately, i love it when he mentioned about children. But i hate myself when i take it as a big deal and seriously when he uses 'my children'. I like it better when he uses 'anak kita' because yknow, it feels better that way. Because in that way,  it feels more like its our child instead of his only child. Lol okay this thing should not be the one i concerned about because we are not getting married tomorrow.

   So, the thought that i'm improving from insecurities, overthinking and anxiety is all wrong. I'm still stuck with those issues and i am still trying to get over it. I know its not good for me but somehow i guess it occurs for a reason ? I need to improve myself.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Nervous.

Assalamualaikum and hi. I'm actually tengah study because i will have my first final paper tomorrow and i am so nervous. Like seriously i am nervous. That's why i'm typing here to let go all of my nervousness.

   I came to see my boyfriend just now and had a dinner together. I came to see him in the first place because, yknow, when-you-are-down-and-you-need-someone feeling ? But it turns out that he is the one who comforts me haha lol me. He asked me just now if he is about to change university, what will i do ? Find a new boyfriend ? Hell no man. Why should i find another man when i still love him ? You know, if you love someone truly and sincerely, no matter how far the distance and how busy you are, the love will always be there and you will always make time and effort to spend time with each other. Looking how my roommate and other friends that are having long distance relationship makes me think that you can do anything for the ones that you love. Unless if your mind set said that you can't be with someone who is not in front of you.

   I came this far, to face all the best and the worst with him because of how much i love him but is my love is overload ? haha. I think this is one of the reasons why i feel so nervous.

   But well, i also feel nervous because i am afraid i cannot make it for this semester. I tried to study but my mind feels like it about to explode and i feel like to vomit. I even tampal 'koyok' on my head sebab pening sangat. I know i need to relax.....