Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Remembering Something That I Shouldn't.

Assalamualaikum and hi. So macam biasa, my cliche starting of my entry, it's been a while since the last time i wrote and update my blog. Tonight, i will write something that have no different from my entries back then. It will always about my insecurities, overthinking, and apologizing.

   This time, i told my boyfriend 2 days ago, that i feel insecure and overthinking and i asked if he is bored with me. Sometimes, we can feel the difference in someone's vibe but i know maybe i overreacting again. Its just because my boyfriend have his own life with his games, basketball, friends while me, i depends on him too much. I don't know. Maybe because i think that's what boyfriend does in the first place but maybe its just my own perception.

   I missed him everyday, and hoping too much from him. Until it makes me feel that he is tired of me already but because he still loves me, so he stayed, and didn't leave me. I'm afraid that one day he might leave me because these attitudes of mine that i think never change. But only God knows how much i want to change. I tried and will continue to try.

   I admit that i am very very very happy being beside my boyfriend. But moving on completely from the past might takes time. I almost moved on from the past. I just need a little more time because to me, what happened in the past, is soo painful that 1 in a million person in the world can bare with it. Its a miracle to me how love can make you strong and how a person can change your whole life, of course to the better. I honestly value every single effort that he did. Sometimes i feel guilty because keep on repeating the same mistake. His friends always said that he is lucky to have me while i think i always causing trouble everytime. Because he changed already. To the better. Its only me, who still stuck in that moment, in that past that i should moved on.

   Maybe because i'm leaving the campus soon. That's why my insecurities and overthinking is still there. Because i'm not here soon. I can't see him easily like we used to. We will have our long distance relationship.

   Sayang, i'm sorry, if you are tired layan kerenah i yang sama ni. I just wanted that constant assurance. Even hari ni, when i send a picture of mine, when you didn't respond anything to my picture, i started to overthink that you are bored or not excited because of the confession i did 2 days ago. Honestly i just love how you reacted when we had our holidays last week. I'm sorry again because i don't know how to react well when you are being sweet and very nice. Every moment with you is exciting for me even though sometimes i kept quiet not talking anything. Being besides you never feels boring to me and i always like to be with you. I'm just suck in reacting. For i don't know how many times already i said this, but, i'm saying it again, that i love you so much, that nobody in this world compares to you. You are very precious to me, that i love you very much, that i want to spend my whole life with you, having our kids together and grow old with you. You are my world and my everything. I love you.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Confident.

Assalamualaikum and hi. So here again i'm typing late at night and it will always because i have a lot of thoughts that may seem unnecessary but i take it seriously.

   So i decided to deactivate my twitter and instagram. But i can't deactivate instagram for now because they said i can only deactivate once a week. I'll try again tomorrow.

   The thing is tonight, here, i'm letting go all of my thoughts because i have this thoughts that make me feel not confident of myself. Its because i have this attitude that i like to satisfy people's need just to have a good bond with all people around me. But when i started to overthink that people hates me or maybe talked bad about me, i started to lose my confident. I feel that i'm a failure and a disappointment while i never know if that person ever think of that. Again, its just because of my overthinking. When i started to overthink, i have no confident and that's why i quite often deactivate my social media plus, i will not be as happy as i always be. This feeling is temporary but i hate it when i often have this feeling.

   No matter how i tried my best to improve myself, there will be one day that i felt like this. But i guess i didn't improve that much since there will be a day or two that i will be like this in a week. I feel like i'm a burden when i have this overthinking and insecurities. A burden to all people around me. Especially my family, my man and my friends. But i'm blessed because they still wanted to cope with my attitude even if it is for sure tiring..

   The bad habit that i have is that, i will always stalk people that i felt like they are perfect at least to me and i will started to feel very...you know, insecure. And i'm very sensitive when i can see the slightest change in maybe attitude or the way on how people that are important to me treated me. I felt that  they become like that because of me without figuring out the exact reason.

   I don't know why i wanted to satisfy all people around me. I know i shouldn't do that because we are human and not perfect. I think i need a plenty of time to overcome my attitude. I guess that's why people that are close to me maybe annoyed with me because i never changed. But i wanted them to know that i desperately wanted to be better. I want to... and i'm glad that they wanted to help me. Especially my man. But i guess it takes time and sometimes i feel that maybe i'm mentally abused that i'm being like this? Is there any correlation?

Saturday, April 21, 2018

A Fight.

Assalamualaikum and wow i rarely update my blog in the day. Selalunya malam malam. But i had to because i had to.
 
   Yesterday, i had a big argument with my boyfriend. It is all my fault. I'm not being an understanding person, i keep on following my negative thinking, i keep on feeling insecure and without i realizing it, i pressured him. Who knows that he reached his limit yesterday and for the first time he said that he is tired of me. I don't blame him at all because i know it is my fault. So last night he left me with anger and i feel myself very horrible because i keep on creating problems.

   But then he texted me and said sorry. But i said sorry too and i made a promise to myself to change. I will. Because i love him, because i valued our relationship so much. I never wanted to leave him, and i never thought of leaving him. He is all i have. He is the one who always make me happy and keeping up with my attitude. Right now, i am the problem and i am the one who need to change. Its my turn to  change. He changed a lot and i love him more and more day by day.

   But then, who knows by the time kitaorang macam nak baik balik, i suddenly need to go back to KL. My mom called me several times to tell me that i need to go back. I'm afraid that this time, i am the one who disappoint my man. I'm sorry but i need to go back because my family asked to do so.

   There's something actually that i need to tell you my man, i want you to know and always remember that you are my one and only man, that i only love you, that you are the best thing that i've ever had. I would love to continue our memories together till forever. I never thought of giving my revenge because of your past mistakes, my love for you will never fade, and i promise to you that i will change to the better. My biggest fear in my life is losing you and i never wanted that to happened. That's why i wanted to fix back my mistake by changing myself. You can help me change and i would love to. Thank you for always being a very understanding man, who concerns about me, who take cares of me, and love me with all of your heart. I love you very much. Take care.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Insecure.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Its been a while eh. I am too busy these days that's why i rarely updated my blog. So here i am, finally have some time to do something that i usually do, typing all my hearts out,  typing whatever that i'm thinking of.

   So today is my second day meeting my boyfriend after i came back from KL. I'm too busy with my family during the weekend last week and i didn't contact with my boyfriend that much. But i still do send a good morning text (although i woke up late and although there's no 'good morning' in the text but it still considered as a good morning text right) and a good night text. I never missed out from telling him that i love him. But who knows, he had his own overthinking, thinking that i might text another guy besides him, and wondering why do i texted him while he is busy and vice versa. 

   I never thought that he might overthink along the weekend while i was not there. I'm sorry. I thought that he is busy with his friends so i didn't text him that much (as i am busy with my family too). He also didn't respond to my text until the day i sent him a photo of my bus ticket and we had an argument because i told him that my guy friend will fetch me up. But then i explained to him  the reason why i asked for my guy friend to fetch me. In the end, my boyfriend is the one who fetch me because my girl friend canceled her plan to ride the bus together and i am very happy because i can met him right after i arrived here. 

   But then, i can see from his face that he is not okay. That something is going on his head. I can't see my cheerful boyfriend, that over-excited boyfriend who love to see me. It made me feel insecure. Although he told me that he actually had an overthinking while i'm at kl, i feel like there's another thing that is running through his head. I don't know if i am true or i'm just overreacting again. 

   Just now also, we went out for supper together, with his friend. I can see that he is happy but, i don't know. Maybe i'm just overreacting. But it made me feel more insecure when he said that "kenapa saya rasa muka awak makin gelap eh?". Somehow, i feel ashamed and in someway, i feel insecure. I feel more insecure when he said that he likes a girl with a fair skin. I'm hurt a little bit. Then i feel even more insecure when we were having a late-night-drive, suddenly he said that he feels awkward with me and he doesn't know why. He made me think and feel that his love for me is fading, that maybe i am no longer attractive to him. I really don't know if i am overreacting and overthinking or not but this is just how i feel. Plus, in some way, i feel horrible because i didn't pay his food while he is on his budget. Because i told him that as much as he likes to pay for my food, i would love to do the same too. But i didn't do it. I feel useless.

   That's why when he is getting skinnier for example, i never showed that i like it. I'm sorry. I'm lying if i didn't like it. I'm just afraid that there will be another girl who are interested in him and that girl is more attractive than me. Or maybe he will find another girl that suits him better than me. I'm afraid that all these happiness that i get, is just temporary. I always feel afraid that he will leave one day when i am very happy with him. I'm sorry again if i am overreacting and overthinking...

Monday, March 19, 2018

Guilty.

Assalamualaikum and hi. These 2 days i've been having this sad emotions that made me cry for 2 nights straight. But the second night which is tonight, i didn't cry as bad as yesterday because my boyfriend came to the rescue. I slept with tears in my eyes yesterday because i cried so hard that my eyes bengkak gila pagi tadi. I can't even open my eyes.

   So my boyfriend came and treat me foods and of course my favourite ice cream ! But unfortunately we didn't spend the time that long as we used to because he wanted to watch football he said.

   Okay now about the title of my entry, i wanted to talk about how childish i am, because always make my boyfriend feel jealous. I accidentaly tell him about this one friend that impressed i can eat a lot. I didn't mean to make him feel insecure or feel that he is not special.

   I'm sorry if you feel that way baby i really didn't mean that. I know its cruel for me to make you feel that way if you ever feel that way. My point to tell you that because i feel that you need to know everything that happened to me but i know some things i shouldn't mention maybe.

   But i wanted you to know, i you are reading this, i am really sorry for making you feel jealous oftenly. You know that i love you very much that i never interested in someone else besides you. You are already perfect to me and i love you so so much. Nothing can describe how much i love you and that i wanted to spend my entire life with you. Thank you for staying and bearing with me. I love you.