Thursday, April 20, 2017

What is Love Anyway ?

Love or being loved by someone is always the best feeling in the world. Everyone needs a partner in their life. Someone that understands you, someone that completes you, someone that accept all your flaws and someone who will never give up on you and get bored of you. 

   Maybe there is a difference between liking someone and love someone. I think that when you like someone, you just don't have that kind of affection to them. You just like them and comfortable being with them. But when you love someone, you will always feel like home when you are with them, wanted to share the rest of your life with them, and you just can't live without them. You will always wanted to be better for each other and be there for each other during ups and downs. And when you love someone, you will always feel excited to see them, to get a phone call from them, to get a text message from them and any updates from them excites you. That's why i really love the old couples that still love each other just like when they were young. They live together till the end. They don't love their partner or wanted to be with them because they feel lonely  or because of lust. 

   The problem now is that, many people confuse about loving someone, liking someone or just wanted the person because of lust. That's why there are some people that are broken because of a relationship and never wanted them again. They push people away. But some of them are lucky to have a second chance, to start all over again with their partner and make the relationship better. But i guess, no matter what it is, everyone have their broken days that makes them better and wanted to have a better relationship. Time heals. When the time comes, the right one will come. 

Rainy Day

Its raining right now and it has been raining for days every evening. I love this kind of weather, so much. It feel so peaceful and cold, and the best time to sleep.....or cuddle haha. But i can only get that when i'm married :p

   Nothing much to share about. I just feel like wanted to write something. All my friends are sleeping and some of them already went back home. Yeah home. I do miss home. But thinking that i'm not able to do anything that i wanted to do when i'm at home and thinking how bored i am when i'm at home doesn't excites me when it comes to holidays. Final exams is around the corner and so does 4 months semester break. I wonder what will happened during that semester break. Maybe i'm taking a part-time job ? Maybe i'm traveling somewhere ? Or maybe i'll just stay at home doing the house chores. Ramadhan is also around the corner. I'm excited to go for tarawih every night. I miss those fasting days. And i'm excited for raya too ! Haha. I wonder what will my boyfriend looks like wearing his baju melayu for the first day of raya. Its our first time being together for ramadhan and hari raya. I'm really looking forward for that day to come. Okay that's enough for that.

   I love when it rains. You know why ? Because i can hear the sound of the rain. Its so peaceful. When it rains, i always have that time alone for myself, thinking, and just enjoy the rain. I just can't explain how i love the weather. But of course i do feel scared when its stormy. I think that's all for this time. :)

Independent

Assalamualaikum and hi. So its 1.55am. I just met my boyfriend just now after 4 days not meeting him (yeah that's how clingy i am). But i guess its reasonable ? Because we didn't text each other that often during that 4 days. So yeah, i confessed to him about my feelings.

   What i told him is that, i do feel annoyed and angry with myself because always overthinking and it seems like i don't believe in him at all. I do believe him, seriously. Its just that, because of the past, i'm afraid of the same thing might happened again and i always afraid that he might get bored of my attitude. Then, i told him that i feel unfair when i'm the one who always tell what i feel and what i'm not satisfied about him. I wanted him to also tell me of how he feels or if he have concerns. But, i do remember when he said that don't force him to tell what he feels and his problem because he is the type who doesn't like to share.

   After meeting him, i realized that most of the problem maybe comes from me ? I don't know. Maybe yes. So i decided to start being independent and trying not to be so clingy. I know sometimes dia rimas and malas nak layan myself. That's why sometimes he didn't reply to my text or even find me. Yeah, maybe i love him so much and afraid of losing him that makes me always insecure and always try hard to be the best but easily overthinking. Haih batrisyia. Will i succeed in becoming an independent woman ?

Monday, April 10, 2017

Useless

Assalamualaikum. Hi. So i just came back from Seri Iskandar with my friend because i need to buy detergent and cake for my roommate. Well, it turns out with not a good story for now. First thing is, i went to the Finance Department to settle out about me and my sister's fees. Then, i went to Seri Iskandar area Tesco for breakfast and to Secret Recipe to buy cake then to Tesco to buy detergent. When i bought the detergent, i didn't realize that actually i bought a softener and not a detergent. So i wasted RM13 for the softener. My aim is to buy a detergent with softener in one bottle but it turns out i bought a softener. Sesungguhnya you are so clumsy Batrisyia.

   Then, when i came back from Seri Iskandar, i saw  like many patches of taik burung on my housemate's car. Man, she just spend her money last week to clean up the car and today ada taik burung. I feel so horrible and i clean it up by myself with the help of my friend tengah tengah panas terik tu. I don't know what's wrong with me. I over think too much. I tried to handle this overthinking but it's hard. I have my Economics test this evening and i didn't study a thing  because of this overthinking.

   What's on my mind is actually that, i feel like people talk bad about me and feel like i'm a burden to my friends and boyfriend and family too. I'm not independent enough and i always feel like i'm the most annoying person and not understanding to them. I feel like i'm a selfish person who only wants people to have their attention only for me. I always want to give the best to the people around me but i'm not capable enough to do that. Its beyond my capability. I'm afraid of having misunderstanding with my friends, i'm afraid that i can't give my best to my boyfriend, and i'm afraid that i can't give my family the thing that they are expecting from me. I always feel like i'm totally a useless person. I don't deserve to stay with anyone and i don't deserve anyone.

   Sometimes i'm mad with myself because too much of negative thinking and overthinking. And when i do, i will not able to do a thing and i can't even think properly. But, i feel blessed because my family, friends, and boyfriend are still with me even if i'm a useless person. Maybe because i love them so much that makes me feel like i always give a burden to them.

   If you guys are reading this, the first thing i wanted to say is that, thank you for accepting me and coping with me. I'm blessed to have you guys. I'm sorry if i have done any mistakes with or without knowing. I'm a human too and i make mistakes and i didn't realize it if u guys didn't say it. I hope you guys know that how much i value our friendship and relationship.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Overthinking

Assalamualaikum and hi ! How's your day going ppl ? I feel sleepy right now padahal hari ni i woke up at 12 noon haha. I don't know why but i love to sleep because i think when i'm asleep, i can prevent myself from overthinking and worrying about the things that i shouldn't worry about.

   You know, i realized that i'm easily overthinking about something. I don't know why. I tried to not overthinking over something but...i just don't know. Like yesterday, my boyfriend suddenly tweeted about that particular person should be grateful when he still text you when he is high af. Then i started overthinking, thinking that he texted someone else because at that time when he tweeted about that, we were not texting because he is the one who didn't reply my text lol. So yesterday when we met, he explained about the tweet and lastly he said "Jangan overthinking okay?" God i feel so touched at that time because the way he said that and the expression on his face really made me think that "Man, this guy really concerned about my overthinking habit"  (but i didn't show him yesterday how touched i am haha). I am that kind of person who appreciate all the little things that people do for me, easily laugh through silly jokes which some people might not laugh with that jokes, and easily overthinking and emotional. Everything seems easily happened to me right ? I really appreciate to have friends and family around me who can adapt and understand with my attitude and thanks to boyfriend too because you are very understanding. I really love you and blessed to have you.

   But today, i feel like i'm a useless daughter. Its been a long time since i met my mother. I don't know why is it so hard for me to meet my mother and spend the days with her. I really miss her. Tomorrow is her birthday and i feel SO SO BAD because i'm not able to do anything for my mother. And today, the day before her birthday, my little brother injured. Terkena air panas and dia injured like, very bad :( I am sad because i was not there to help my mother bring my little brother to hospital and stay beside her when she is at her lowest. I called my mother to comfort her but she said that she is not comfortable to talk at that moment. Besides that, i texted my father just to say hi and it seems like he is also not in a good mood.

   When all of these things happened, i feel so down and i really need a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to talk to my roommate about this but she seems busy with her assignments and my housemate too. I wanted to talk to my boyfriend but he seems so tired because he didn't sleep for 2 days because of his assignments and reports so i don't want to bother him too.

   I should face this by myself. I know i can do it. I shouldn't depend on people too much.