Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Insecure.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Its been a while eh. I am too busy these days that's why i rarely updated my blog. So here i am, finally have some time to do something that i usually do, typing all my hearts out,  typing whatever that i'm thinking of.

   So today is my second day meeting my boyfriend after i came back from KL. I'm too busy with my family during the weekend last week and i didn't contact with my boyfriend that much. But i still do send a good morning text (although i woke up late and although there's no 'good morning' in the text but it still considered as a good morning text right) and a good night text. I never missed out from telling him that i love him. But who knows, he had his own overthinking, thinking that i might text another guy besides him, and wondering why do i texted him while he is busy and vice versa. 

   I never thought that he might overthink along the weekend while i was not there. I'm sorry. I thought that he is busy with his friends so i didn't text him that much (as i am busy with my family too). He also didn't respond to my text until the day i sent him a photo of my bus ticket and we had an argument because i told him that my guy friend will fetch me up. But then i explained to him  the reason why i asked for my guy friend to fetch me. In the end, my boyfriend is the one who fetch me because my girl friend canceled her plan to ride the bus together and i am very happy because i can met him right after i arrived here. 

   But then, i can see from his face that he is not okay. That something is going on his head. I can't see my cheerful boyfriend, that over-excited boyfriend who love to see me. It made me feel insecure. Although he told me that he actually had an overthinking while i'm at kl, i feel like there's another thing that is running through his head. I don't know if i am true or i'm just overreacting again. 

   Just now also, we went out for supper together, with his friend. I can see that he is happy but, i don't know. Maybe i'm just overreacting. But it made me feel more insecure when he said that "kenapa saya rasa muka awak makin gelap eh?". Somehow, i feel ashamed and in someway, i feel insecure. I feel more insecure when he said that he likes a girl with a fair skin. I'm hurt a little bit. Then i feel even more insecure when we were having a late-night-drive, suddenly he said that he feels awkward with me and he doesn't know why. He made me think and feel that his love for me is fading, that maybe i am no longer attractive to him. I really don't know if i am overreacting and overthinking or not but this is just how i feel. Plus, in some way, i feel horrible because i didn't pay his food while he is on his budget. Because i told him that as much as he likes to pay for my food, i would love to do the same too. But i didn't do it. I feel useless.

   That's why when he is getting skinnier for example, i never showed that i like it. I'm sorry. I'm lying if i didn't like it. I'm just afraid that there will be another girl who are interested in him and that girl is more attractive than me. Or maybe he will find another girl that suits him better than me. I'm afraid that all these happiness that i get, is just temporary. I always feel afraid that he will leave one day when i am very happy with him. I'm sorry again if i am overreacting and overthinking...

Monday, March 19, 2018

Guilty.

Assalamualaikum and hi. These 2 days i've been having this sad emotions that made me cry for 2 nights straight. But the second night which is tonight, i didn't cry as bad as yesterday because my boyfriend came to the rescue. I slept with tears in my eyes yesterday because i cried so hard that my eyes bengkak gila pagi tadi. I can't even open my eyes.

   So my boyfriend came and treat me foods and of course my favourite ice cream ! But unfortunately we didn't spend the time that long as we used to because he wanted to watch football he said.

   Okay now about the title of my entry, i wanted to talk about how childish i am, because always make my boyfriend feel jealous. I accidentaly tell him about this one friend that impressed i can eat a lot. I didn't mean to make him feel insecure or feel that he is not special.

   I'm sorry if you feel that way baby i really didn't mean that. I know its cruel for me to make you feel that way if you ever feel that way. My point to tell you that because i feel that you need to know everything that happened to me but i know some things i shouldn't mention maybe.

   But i wanted you to know, i you are reading this, i am really sorry for making you feel jealous oftenly. You know that i love you very much that i never interested in someone else besides you. You are already perfect to me and i love you so so much. Nothing can describe how much i love you and that i wanted to spend my entire life with you. Thank you for staying and bearing with me. I love you.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Our First Movie Date

Assalamualaikum and hi. Today was my happiest day because i had my first movie date ever with my boyfriend and i hope he is happy too. But, by the end of the day, we are not in a good terms.

   First thing is, i feel horrible about making him jealous regarding to the guy from my past. I know i'm being childish because made him jealous for no reason. I just feel needed when he is jealous. Yes i know i am kinda cruel and i shouldn't do that. So i said sorry before he went back to his hostel this evening.

   We actually should be spending our time together after the movies. Yes we had our dinner together but after he went back from his room, his mood changed. I realized it when he didn't talk much to me and he drove very fast that if the car can fly, it will fly. Then, he never opened the door for me before to leave the car but he did today. It hurts me a little because he made me feel that he is not in the mood because of me and maybe hate me too at that time. So before i left the car, i decided to say sorry for my mistakes then he said that its not because of me. Every time i wanted to apologize about something, i always wanted to hold his hand because that is my way to gain strength and to know if he is mad at me or not. When i'm about to leave the car, he doesn't want to let go of my hand and so do i. It is really hard for me to go at that time because i wanted to be there for him when he is at his lowest.

   I actually wanted to tell him how he means the world to me and how i love him very much that i never wanted to leave him. I never had that intention to compare him with the guy from my past. I'm just being childish by making him jealous. Its my fault though and i know that. I wanted to hug him so much today.

   Honestly i'm a bit sad because our happiest day turns out the other way. So i decided to not to contact him until he is okay. I will wait for him to contact me back after he is okay. The last time i whatsapp-ed him tonight is when i'm on my way to my event's meeting. I was hoping to spend my day today with him but i guess there must be a reason why all of this happened today. He also have his test tomorrow and tomorrow also, will be my busiest day.

   I am worried about him.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Dealing With My Insecurities.

Assalamualaikum and hi. Today has been a long day for me and its quite hot these few days. I just settled my presentations today and alhamdulillah it went well but i forgot to introduce myself when i'm presenting hahaha.

   So 2 days ago, i had this, heart-to-heart session with my boyfriend. One of our conversation is that, i am concern about our internship. I probably will have my internship this September and i will not be in the campus. Then, when i'm back at the campus, he is the one who will have his internship. So we will not see each other quite a long time and maybe harder to meet if one of us don't have any transport.

   Honestly, i'm afraid of long-distance relationship. I'm afraid of any circumstances when we are far apart. I know September is quite long way to go but its in this year so it is near. I have that insecurities when we are not far but i have more insecurities when we are far apart. I'm afraid that he might get bored with me and needed someone near him because i'm just too far away. Sometimes missing someone too much can make you make a foolish decision by finding someone new near you. That's why i love to see how my friends can deal with their long-distance relationship and how they can be loyal to each other. I don't know how i will deal with my long-distance relationship if i have to face it one day.

   Maybe because i'm too afraid thinking about that makes me feel insecure this way. I wanted to believe that we can love each other in a very long term or in other words, we have the love for each other that never dies. (masyaAllah bat jiwangnya) I'm being paranoid like this because i've seen some couples, even married couples in front of my eyes, how they treat their partner when the love is not there but for the sake of duration, or for the sake of their children, or for the sake of nak jaga hati masing masing, they stayed. I never like that kind of relationship and i don't want to have that kind of relationship.

   That's why, i did said to myself a long time ago that i never wanted a partner because i'm just afraid all of that and the most scary part is, divorce. I know i think about this too far but  it disturbs me sometime. But, no matter how i said that i don't want a partner in my life because of my fear and insecurities, we just can't live without love. By the end of the day, all we need is our loved ones and a place where we can feel the affection from out significant other.

   I am blessed to have such a great boyfriend even though there were so much things that i faced. But i believe that, everything happens for a reason and now i'm loving my boyfriend more day by day. Thank you for being a part of my life and i love you very much.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Mistakes That I've Made.

Assalamualaikum and hi. This week is my very tiring week, mentally, emotionally and physically. Its week 2 of my study here and things just go uncontrolled. Its all because of me. I like to make a bad assumptions about a person or a situation, and i didn't realized that i made my own friends look bad just to make me feel that i am not. I'm just being insecure over everything. I am afraid if people hate me. I guess that is why i am being that way.

   I don't know how long will my past mistakes haunt me because my mistakes towards the people around me, especially the people that give their love so much to me really makes me regretted so much of the things that i have done. I feel ashamed when i meet them actually because i realize how big my mistakes towards them. I know that people do make mistakes but i don't know if i am strong enough to face all this.

   I am glad to have a very understanding friends and boyfriend, and more blessed when they accepted me just the way i am without judging me. I couldn't ask for more because they complete me in every way. But the problem is just me, who always think negatively, overthink about unnecessary things and feel insecure because i am afraid that they would leave me.

   I guess that is why i always hated myself because deep down, i know i made a big mistakes. Thanks to my friend for making me realize about my mistakes, giving me the chance to change and thanks to my boyfriend who always being a very understanding partner without i realizing it.

   From now on, i should know how to handle myself well and face everything by myself. Even though my boyfriend always said that i have him by my side to support me, but i know i can't lean 100% on him. I never wanted to burden him so much with my problems. I feel horrible. 

   I think tonight i felt this sad because i am actually tired and i missed my boyfriend so much. He went to the beach today with his friends. The place that i wanted to go the most since last semester. I aimed to go there and enjoy the view with him but i don't know when we will have that chance. I planned to hang out with him next week to go to Aeon Ipoh Klebang and maybe to the beach if possible but, i am broke already because today i spent a lot at Tambun with my friends.

   I guess it is fair enough for both of us today to have fun with our friends but at the same time, i wish he was there with me, having fun together. The funny thing is, i even imagined if he was there, with me, playing around at the theme park. Lol me. I should rest.