Wednesday, September 19, 2018

So Close Yet So Far

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. So here i am again, of course updating my blog when im being emotional and when i am at my lowest. Let me begin with my internship journey.

   I decided to do my internship in Ipoh, because the payment is the highest for an intern like me and of course, because i think it might be easier for me to meet my boyfriend. But what can i say, we both have no car, and we are about 50 mins away from each other. 2 weeks passed since i started my internship and he started his new semester. We get along well and we managed to meet each other because the first night i arrived in Perak, i stayed overnight at my sister’s room in UTP and i met my boyfriend.

   The moment he asked me ‘nak jumpa?’ , i was very excited. very. The first thing that i did was to hug him, very tight, because i missed the man in front of me at that night, the one that i wanted to meet so bad, the only person that makes me feel secure. That night was the happiest night because i finally meet my man.

   Then on the second week, i met him again. And i cant forget how excited he is, how frequent he looked at me and how frequent he said that he misses me. I just love how he expressed his feeling towards me at that time. That almost 3 hours with him was so precious to me.

   But today, we had and argument. Its about how badly i wanted his attention but i know, he respect my time to work. I appreciate that so much. I know its my fault, for blaming him because he always busy playing games. I know maybe when he plays the game and spend his time with his friends, is because he wanted to make himself busy, to make him forget for awhile how he misses me too. I know i shouldnt express my feelings about him busy playing games. But i did already. And he is mad at me right now, and i make the situation turns the other way. We talked, we laughed at first when we video called each other just now but then, after i expressed my feelings selfishly, everything becomes the other way. I regretted it. Because i will always be the one who spoiled everything.

   I miss my man so much, i want his hugs so bad too. But all i did was to make the situation worse. Im sorry. I just misses you very much...

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Gaining Weight

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. Right now, i completely loose my self-confident right now and i started to hate myself. I realized since the holiday started, i slowly gaining weight and the part that i hate the most is that i’m gaining that weight that i used to have when i just finished my SPM. I dont want to tell what is my weight at that time.

   But then i loose my weight after that because i entered university and not long after that i joined the rugby team and i always fasting. So i succeed to loose 10kg and i honestly love myself at that time and i am happy because i can where anything i want. But it doesnt last long.

   So during this holiday, i dont know why i can’t control my appetite to eat. I will always eat. But then i realized that i need to take care of my body so i started to do skipping and drink green tea and try to control my eating habit. I know its just been 2 days since i started that routine but i was shocked when i checked my latest weight, oh God only God knows how depressed i am and pressured i am. I feel like i want to burst out and cry out loud.

   Somehow people might laugh because i feel depressed because of these but it matters to me. I want to have a healthy body and i tried to have that healthy body but i dont know whats wrong. People around me is slim and can eat as much as they want but me? Do you feel me when you are the only one who needs to control makan but everyone is eating happily without hesitation? And when that moment happens, everyone force me to eat and saying something like “ala bukan selalu” but the pressure is on me.

   I am sad when everytime the blame is on me when my weight is gaining. I dont want this. I wish i could just vanish from people’s life right now. Sometimes i also think of taking the easiest way to slim because i desperately want to have that healthy body. I hate that things like this, just about my weight, i feel depressed and sad. Because in the end its my fault for not controlling my eating habit right?

Friday, August 17, 2018

First Day of Being Far Away

Assalamualaikum and hi. Just finished packing my things to go home and take my bath to clean myself to feel a little bit fresh after a very long day. All i can describe my feelings today is that, i miss my boyfriend very much. I cried just by thinking of him, thinking that i can't have him in front of my eyes every time i need it. Every time i need his hugs.

   So i woke up at 11am today and the first thing i did was to check my phone if he whatsapp me to tell me that he already on his way back to his hometown, Kedah. And yes, he did whatsapp me but he told me about his program with his scholar this August. I would love to come and see him or maybe go out with him when he can. But i will surely try my best.

   After that, i met Alin for the last time before she graduated and before i go for an internship. Then i went out with my friends, Aida and Diana. But no matter how busy i am, how distracted i can be, the only person i think about is my boyfriend. I see him everywhere. Angau sangat ni. But, maybe because i miss him so much too.

   Even when i packed my things just now, i suddenly cried because at this time, at this moment, is our time to spend together. He would whatsapp me and say that he is on his way to meet me and i will cancel my plan to sleep just because i wanted to meet him. I might have my internship just 1 hour away from him but it is still far, that i can't have him all the time.

   I guess i cried quite a lot while pack because i stayed in this hostel for a year or half a year maybe? So a lot of things happened while i stayed here, in V5K, where i was happy, i was sad as fuck, where i stare outside the window to look at my boyfriend on his way to the class, to wait for my boyfriend to come and fetch me and to always video call and on the phone with each other even though we stayed in 1 campus.

   I just can't stop crying. Even right now, for the second time, i'm typing while crying. Sayang, i'm sorry if i messed our first day berjauhan. You have no idea how i miss you so much that i wish i can have you right now to hug, to calm me down when im crying and when im sad. I love you very much and promise me to always take care of yourself while im not with you, and love only me, touch only me, care only me. Because i will do the same too. And because i know, if we did something bad behind our partner, they will do it back without we realise it. So promise me to always be honest with me and to always communicate and let me know if you are upset with me or anything because right now, we are staying far away. I can't see you and you can't see me. I trust you. You will always be my one and only guy. It will always be you. I love you my man.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Friends

Assalamualaikum and hello gais. So today is kinda early for me to update my blog because my usual time to update is usually in the middle of the night were the time I am alone, or everyone is asleep. But today, I'm updating at 1pm, using the library's computer just because I need to express something.

   Just now, I had a discussion with Diana and Aida on how to settle the misunderstandings between us and my roommate, Teha. Its not just the three of us, but the other 4 of us. But the main reason these misunderstandings happened is when Ain and Teha had an arguments about their group project for the past semester. Selama ni, I'm trying to be very neutral between my roommate and my other friends just to prevent them from feeling that i'm ignoring one of them. But it seems  like, everything is on me. I feel that its my fault in the beginning because i have no effort to make them good again with each other. I know in the first place i should always ajak sekali my roommate keluar sama sama so that she didn't feel abandoned. I didnt do that. Instead, i just left the room when im going somewhere but only letting her know where im going if i feel like i want to.

   To be honest, im really tired and somehow i feel unappreciated but its not valid for me to say that. Because i am trying my best to be the best for everyone, because i love them but in the end, im always at fault. So what can i do right now? I believe that when we reunite to settle the misunderstandings, there will be my fault because i am the one who is totally in the middle. I can't satisfy everyone and how i just wish that i can be by myself without hurting other people. I am always feel that I am the one who give damage to people who loves me.

   I am really at my lowest state right now. Feeling useless, feeling horrible, feeling that i am selfish, everything.

Monday, July 23, 2018

Long Distance Relationship

Assalamualaikum and hello gais. I'm going to tell you guys about my feelings these days since my time in UTP dah pendek and i'm going for the internship this September.

   How fast the time flies, its been 3 years since i entered UTP. A lot of things have happened, a lot of things that i've experienced. The nearer the date to the internship, the more sad i am. Because, i will miss everything in UTP especially my one and only boyfriend. When my internship ends, we might not see each other like we used to in the campus because right after i came back from internship, its his turn for internship. This is the last semester we will easily meet each other and easily to meet anytime we want. Its been always because of him, that i liked staying in UTP. Because i can spend my day with him, because i know he is there near me.

   I will miss everything that we did here. Going out to have dinner together, grocery shopping together, window shopping together, watching movies together, late night talks together, heart to heart sessions together, hanging out with him and his friends and sometimes playing basketball together. I will surely miss all that. Since this semester started, everyday i feel sad because i know we will live far away from each other, that we cannot easily meet each other. Its the starting of our long distance relationship.

   And since this semester started, every time i met him, the only thing that popped out in my head is that "i will miss this moment". Even right now, I can't stop crying while typing because i feel so sad that nothing can describe how i feel right now.

   Sayang, i'm sorry for all of the mistakes that i've done and the promises that i broke. You thought me how to learn from my mistakes, you give me chances to change and still love me the same after everything that have happened. I admit that you are my first love even though i have exes before you, but you are the only guy that i truly and sincerely love. I never thought of finding anybody else especially when i go for internship and i hope you will not find anyone too. It will be hard for us to face the long distance relationship but i know we will get through it because distance is nothing when we love each other right? ;`) Im lucky to have you and i love you very much.